Day Two of Therapy: Am I Wasting My Time?

When you come to the point in your life where you can recognize that maybe, just maybe, you have become a burden to people because of your emotional needs, it may be time to consider therapy.

This is just one reason why a person may seek out therapy. 

Perhaps you have taken a look in the mirror and you are just fed up with how you feel emotionally and you know you need guidance.

Whatever the reason, choosing therapy is a positive step and one that I highly recommend. Self-reflection helps you to grow as a person and overcome inner demons that may be holding you back (even without you realizing it).

Self-discovery can be scary and it is easy to talk yourself out of the process. You may even think that you can do "this" alone and that happens when you expect instant results. 

Therapy is a process and patience is needed to benefit from it. 


My first therapy appointment was scary. It didn't go where I expected it to. It is hard. Here is a trained counselor who does not know me, has only a vague clue of what my "issue" is and she must learn what I need and guide me.


So visit number one is kind of like the job interview. You feel each other out and decide if this relationship is going to work. If so, you come back.


After visit number 1 I have to say that I felt I didn't need it (therapy) as badly as I thought. By the time visit 2 came, I was having a bad day and really just wanted to run away to somewhere safe. Feeling overwhelmed by life and fighting to see the light through the darkness surrounding me, I "wasted" my appointment by just totally voicing my fears. 


Okay, it wasn't a waste, I needed to get it out but when does the healing begin? 


Then forever obsessed with the costs of therapy I felt like I cannot go weekly and not feel like I am getting something out of treatment. What I got out of day 2 was not enough to justify the co-pay. 


I will be giving this one more shot. If I walk out next week with the same feeling, I probably won't be going back. 


There are many forms of therapy to chose from. Perhaps I do not need this type of therapy and another would be more effective. 


I know that there are no quick fixes for emotional ailments and mood disorders. I am smart enough and aware enough to know what most of my issues are about. I just need to find a way to overcome them. 


If you have done therapy I would love to hear what helped you and what didn't. Sharing my personal journey is opening up who I am, faults and all. I do this because I am not ashamed and I know that maybe it will help someone to find the strength to do the same. 


We can all learn from each other and help each other by admitting that none of us is perfect. We all can get overwhelmed by circumstances and stumble at times. Sometimes we need help with this and I do believe that therapy can be a cure for emotional ailments.

denial

As I follow the Casey Anthony murder trial, I wonder what it is like to be in such denial of the obvious. 

I am talking about Cindy Anthony's behavior. The defense would like for us to believe that because of the extreme nature of the dysfunction in the Anthony household and the sexual molestation that Casey endured, she learned how to lie from an early age.

I don't buy for a moment that Casey was abused. What I do agree with is the idea that Cindy Anthony goes through life with rose-colored glasses on. In other words, Cindy Anthony lives in denial of the truth. 

For some people, denial is easier than facing reality. Facing reality is painful. Acceptance of what cards you are really dealt is not easy. Making believe that everything is a certain acceptable way is too much work for me. Putting on that happy face even though all the signs are slapping you to wake up and notice what is really going on is unfathomable to me.

Since I was a young child I questioned everything. I just needed to know why. I did not accept what answers were given to me if they did not make sense. I needed to face the truth and would rather see the ugliness and deal with it rather then deny its existence. 

Life can be hard though. I battle with depression and anxiety. I face reality. I try to fix what is wrong and always look for other options. What I do not do is stay in relationships that are not healthy. I believe in honesty. I do not intentionally cause people hurt but my true friends know that I will never lie to you.

Don't come complaining to me about your life unless you are willing to take some responsibility for what is wrong with it. I am perfectly willing to help someone in need if they are showing signs of helping themselves. 

I will not enable negative or dishonest behavior. I don't care if you are my child, my parent, my sibling or my lover. 

People who live their lives in obvious denial fascinate me. Maybe it is their method of survival but ultimately, it is living a dishonest life. I cannot imagine that they are fulfilled although they fool themselves into believing that they are. 

Happily I can say that I am able to admit my faults, own up to mistakes and because of that the most important relationships that I have are honest ones. The depths of these relationships is amazing. The love and acceptance is so fulfilling. It has made me grow as a person and the give and take only continues to make these connections even deeper. 

Life may throw me lemons but I have learned how to cope by never seeing them as bananas. 

mixed

mixed is the best way to describe today. thinking positively does attract positive but then out of nowhere, crash! boom...down. I allow myself to cry it out, experience the emotions and move on. seems to have worked for me today. refusing to allow myself to dwell on it...just let it run its course and then be gone.

if I was wearing a mood ring today- it probably would have broken.

too much time on my hands

Time enough at last...is there ever really such a thing? I don't think so...when I was working full time and trying to juggle my life, I think I got more accomplished than I have lately. every day is a struggle between trying to stay positive and get as much done as I can.
Pretty much I am making myself feel like a dog chasing my tail. going faster only makes me dizzy and I still am not feeling satisfied at the end of the day.


second edition- this book must be good or there is a high demand for it!

Mood Swings

Up and down...wasn't really sure of my mood because they have been all over the place.

I have not been good at logging lately...guess all I can say for myself is I think much of it has been hormonal. damn hormones. Is this why women seek out treatment for depression more often than men do?


maybe I am on to something. Oh well..my mind is swimming with stuff to do...manic? No just motivated.

I'm Okay

Kind of okay today...feeling like I can be positive and even (dare I think it) hopeful...I feel a wisdom that keeps assuring me that it will be okay. I am not feeling the normal panic, doom or hopelessness...wish I could trust this feeling 100%...right now it feels good but still a part of me is afraid.

maybe later it will sink in and I can embrace this.

Tuesday

Had a busy day...had an appointment with a new doctor for my daughter this morning. Her dad picked us up and drove us.

It was odd to be on the parkway. I felt a bit of apprehension but managed to distract myself. I realized as I was riding that I could do this. I could drive it...or at that moment I felt confident. If I actually had to- would I be able to? I don't know.

Problem is that it has been so long since I have driven...oh well.

The depression that was starting to seep in has settled and hasn't gotten worse. I feel relief but also wonder why. Am I controlling it? Is the Vitamin B I am taking helping?

I don't even seem to need as much Xanax as normal. Or as I did a few days ago. I do feel PMS a bit. Sure that I am about 5 days away from my period...got the cravings and my mind is still so distracted.
 Not panicky though...guess I should be happy?