mixed

mixed is the best way to describe today. thinking positively does attract positive but then out of nowhere, crash! boom...down. I allow myself to cry it out, experience the emotions and move on. seems to have worked for me today. refusing to allow myself to dwell on it...just let it run its course and then be gone.

if I was wearing a mood ring today- it probably would have broken.

too much time on my hands

Time enough at last...is there ever really such a thing? I don't think so...when I was working full time and trying to juggle my life, I think I got more accomplished than I have lately. every day is a struggle between trying to stay positive and get as much done as I can.
Pretty much I am making myself feel like a dog chasing my tail. going faster only makes me dizzy and I still am not feeling satisfied at the end of the day.


second edition- this book must be good or there is a high demand for it!

Mood Swings

Up and down...wasn't really sure of my mood because they have been all over the place.

I have not been good at logging lately...guess all I can say for myself is I think much of it has been hormonal. damn hormones. Is this why women seek out treatment for depression more often than men do?


maybe I am on to something. Oh well..my mind is swimming with stuff to do...manic? No just motivated.

I'm Okay

Kind of okay today...feeling like I can be positive and even (dare I think it) hopeful...I feel a wisdom that keeps assuring me that it will be okay. I am not feeling the normal panic, doom or hopelessness...wish I could trust this feeling 100%...right now it feels good but still a part of me is afraid.

maybe later it will sink in and I can embrace this.

Tuesday

Had a busy day...had an appointment with a new doctor for my daughter this morning. Her dad picked us up and drove us.

It was odd to be on the parkway. I felt a bit of apprehension but managed to distract myself. I realized as I was riding that I could do this. I could drive it...or at that moment I felt confident. If I actually had to- would I be able to? I don't know.

Problem is that it has been so long since I have driven...oh well.

The depression that was starting to seep in has settled and hasn't gotten worse. I feel relief but also wonder why. Am I controlling it? Is the Vitamin B I am taking helping?

I don't even seem to need as much Xanax as normal. Or as I did a few days ago. I do feel PMS a bit. Sure that I am about 5 days away from my period...got the cravings and my mind is still so distracted.
 Not panicky though...guess I should be happy?