denial

As I follow the Casey Anthony murder trial, I wonder what it is like to be in such denial of the obvious. 

I am talking about Cindy Anthony's behavior. The defense would like for us to believe that because of the extreme nature of the dysfunction in the Anthony household and the sexual molestation that Casey endured, she learned how to lie from an early age.

I don't buy for a moment that Casey was abused. What I do agree with is the idea that Cindy Anthony goes through life with rose-colored glasses on. In other words, Cindy Anthony lives in denial of the truth. 

For some people, denial is easier than facing reality. Facing reality is painful. Acceptance of what cards you are really dealt is not easy. Making believe that everything is a certain acceptable way is too much work for me. Putting on that happy face even though all the signs are slapping you to wake up and notice what is really going on is unfathomable to me.

Since I was a young child I questioned everything. I just needed to know why. I did not accept what answers were given to me if they did not make sense. I needed to face the truth and would rather see the ugliness and deal with it rather then deny its existence. 

Life can be hard though. I battle with depression and anxiety. I face reality. I try to fix what is wrong and always look for other options. What I do not do is stay in relationships that are not healthy. I believe in honesty. I do not intentionally cause people hurt but my true friends know that I will never lie to you.

Don't come complaining to me about your life unless you are willing to take some responsibility for what is wrong with it. I am perfectly willing to help someone in need if they are showing signs of helping themselves. 

I will not enable negative or dishonest behavior. I don't care if you are my child, my parent, my sibling or my lover. 

People who live their lives in obvious denial fascinate me. Maybe it is their method of survival but ultimately, it is living a dishonest life. I cannot imagine that they are fulfilled although they fool themselves into believing that they are. 

Happily I can say that I am able to admit my faults, own up to mistakes and because of that the most important relationships that I have are honest ones. The depths of these relationships is amazing. The love and acceptance is so fulfilling. It has made me grow as a person and the give and take only continues to make these connections even deeper. 

Life may throw me lemons but I have learned how to cope by never seeing them as bananas. 

mixed

mixed is the best way to describe today. thinking positively does attract positive but then out of nowhere, crash! boom...down. I allow myself to cry it out, experience the emotions and move on. seems to have worked for me today. refusing to allow myself to dwell on it...just let it run its course and then be gone.

if I was wearing a mood ring today- it probably would have broken.

too much time on my hands

Time enough at last...is there ever really such a thing? I don't think so...when I was working full time and trying to juggle my life, I think I got more accomplished than I have lately. every day is a struggle between trying to stay positive and get as much done as I can.
Pretty much I am making myself feel like a dog chasing my tail. going faster only makes me dizzy and I still am not feeling satisfied at the end of the day.


second edition- this book must be good or there is a high demand for it!

Mood Swings

Up and down...wasn't really sure of my mood because they have been all over the place.

I have not been good at logging lately...guess all I can say for myself is I think much of it has been hormonal. damn hormones. Is this why women seek out treatment for depression more often than men do?


maybe I am on to something. Oh well..my mind is swimming with stuff to do...manic? No just motivated.

I'm Okay

Kind of okay today...feeling like I can be positive and even (dare I think it) hopeful...I feel a wisdom that keeps assuring me that it will be okay. I am not feeling the normal panic, doom or hopelessness...wish I could trust this feeling 100%...right now it feels good but still a part of me is afraid.

maybe later it will sink in and I can embrace this.

Tuesday

Had a busy day...had an appointment with a new doctor for my daughter this morning. Her dad picked us up and drove us.

It was odd to be on the parkway. I felt a bit of apprehension but managed to distract myself. I realized as I was riding that I could do this. I could drive it...or at that moment I felt confident. If I actually had to- would I be able to? I don't know.

Problem is that it has been so long since I have driven...oh well.

The depression that was starting to seep in has settled and hasn't gotten worse. I feel relief but also wonder why. Am I controlling it? Is the Vitamin B I am taking helping?

I don't even seem to need as much Xanax as normal. Or as I did a few days ago. I do feel PMS a bit. Sure that I am about 5 days away from my period...got the cravings and my mind is still so distracted.
 Not panicky though...guess I should be happy?

Day two

Last night as I was doing my blog posts, I came across a prescreening questionaire for bipolar spectrum disorder.

Check it out here

Long story short, a score of 25 or higher means there is a high probability that you have a bipolar spectrum disorder- meaning some form of bipolar...there are several.

I scored a 52.

Nuf said.

I spent the night alone, watching television. Feeling restless, I stayed up far too late. By the time I got into bed, my husband's alarm was going off for him to go to his overnight job.

I slept til 7:30 and began the fight against the self-pity that wants to take over my mind.

It was a chilly morning and although the day is almost half over I still cannot lose the achiness and chill feeling in my bones. My back aches and I feel asleep for awhile laying on the heating pad.

My son offered to take me to a neighboring townwide yard sale but I declined. I am just not up to it.
Here we go...lack of interest.

Several days ago I was gungho about the weekend. I had plans and goals. Today I just want the day to be over. I am fighting back the need to cry. My mind is swirling with everything I can possibly think of that is wrong in my life.

My car is still sitting at the shop- more than 3 weeks now...I lost count. I want it junked; my husband hasn't had time to get through to the mechanic. I just want it over and put behind me.

The money I borrowed to pay for the car is just about gone. Part of it went to pay our rent last month and little by little, it is disappearing as I try to contribute to the costs of feeding my family.

Here comes the hopelessness...I keep applying for jobs and try to remain hopeful. My husband says it isn't unusual for it to take time for someone to call. Really? It never seems to happen.

When I went for an interview last week, I was on top of the world. Confident and self-assured and not even greatly disappointed when they didn't offer me a job. I had strong confidence in myself that two days later, flipped into darkness and despair. I hate this.

Whatever this is...chronic depression, bipolar 2 or just all in my mind and not real...I am tired of not knowing what mood I am going to be in. This period may last for several more days. How ugly will it get?

I have to be strong and fight the urge to have pity parties for myself. I cannot relate to anyone how I feel. I get so down on myself that it either angers people or pushes them away. No one knows how it feels inside. The demon is trying to destroy me and I feel powerless.